Morning After

orning after remedy, morning-after, hangover cure,

Sleeping It Off
Some think this is the best, no-effort method — assuming you can make it to a place where you can rest without getting arrested.

This method requires higher mathematics. You should get a full 8 hours (minus time in the bathroom) plus 20 minutes for each ounce of alcohol consumed — which probably means you should rack out for about a week.

xcuse by SleepyJean

Hair of the Dog
Also known as an eye-opener or "Arf before you barf."

Many professional partiers prefer an eye-opener as a weekend remedy, particularly when one has obligations such as a mid-morning tailgating party. But others worry that continual use of this method might have negative long-term consequences.

After an entire semester of research, it is the opinion of our staff of experts that the method should be used only once a week, on the Friday/Saturday turnaround.

The Water-Water-Water Cure
Water is the best and cheapest antidote to alcohol.

Drink as much water as you can before bed, and while in bed, and on each recycling restroom visit. If you have been partying with your friend Jose, then switch from water-water-water to agua-agua-agua. However, if you live in a backwater, in-bred country town like Salt Lake City that is "English Only" you can not purchase agua without an illegal immigrant "brown card." But, of course, you can buy agua on the black market from agua dealers who stand outside your friendly neighborhood bodega (which is espanol for 7-11) .

Due to the law of unintended consequences, partiers with very weak bladders and with long trips to the water recycling room might not be happy with all the results of this cure.

Our advice is to use tapwater, and not to waste money on bottled water that could be put to better purposes, like bail.

Worshipping at the Porcelan Altar
The offloading method, invented in 1641 by Lord Harry Upchuck, is a method preferred by many professional partiers.

Voluntary offloading before passing out is optimum. Offloading while "sleeping it off" is not recommended.

To help you with this classic method, we caring people at X2P are willing to provide you, in exchange for worthy party ideas, with an Outrageously Stupid Party Kit, which among other things will help you tell the difference between the porcelain altar and your dishwasher.

Toughing It Out
This is what most people would consider a last resort, while at the same time, it is the method most employeed especially by party-traineees.

We believe that the only time to tough it out is when you have no choice.

It was good enuff for Grandpa
Pop pop fizz fizz. Anyone know what day it is?

We find that this method usually ends up with us worshipping at the Porcelain Altar, but since everybody's stomach is different, you might have better results.

We do know, for sure, that trying mix "Hair of the Dog" with Alka-Setzer is about as smart as ending a night of beer drinking with Long Island Ice Teas, with much the same end effect.

V8
It works.
It works better with vodka.
It works better with a double vodka
And Worcestershire.

Sex
Theory says exercise will help get rid of your hangover by helping sweat out the toxins. The increased circulation also gets blood and oxygen to your oxygen-starved brain.

We are not sure if sex is really better than running 5 miles. But it seems to work okay, and we're not going to run 5 miles anyway. Maybe we like it better because we get to stay in bed and get up at the same time.

We think this needs more experimentation. On our list of morning after experiments is slow-almost-asleep sex, wild the ride pony sex (yeah, we always get things mixed up after too many drinks the night before), and champagne and sex.

If you beat us to any of these experiments, please let us know how it works. Do not send pictures unless you are extremely hot— even with a hangover.

Diner Breakfast
The cheaper the diner, the better this seems to work.

And if it doesn't, you don't feel so bad about off-loading an expensive breakfast.

The diner breakfast should include lotsa coffee to get your eyes open, at least two pieces of toast to suck up the ugly green acidy stuff that now has residence in your tum-tum, Tobasco eggs of some sort so your stomach gets the message that you are serious, and last, but not least, a seat near the restroom, just in case.

Banana Milkshake
Huh? Yeah, we mean it. Make a banana milkshake and sweeten it up with honey.

The banana helps un-flip-flop the stomach. The honey builds up the depleted blood sugar levels. The milk also soothes the stomach and as any liquid will, rehydrates your system.

Bananas are also rich in stuff that is drained out of the body during heavy drinking — like potassium, electrolytes, and even magnesium.

This is our second favorite remedy on the "fun scale" — behind only Sex.

And if you think about it, this remedy goes just fine between bouts of our number one choice.

Chicken Soup
This is a great part of the combination remedy of sleeping thru breakfast and starting with lunch.

As your grandma will tell you, chicken soup is more of universal cure-all than even aspirin.

Vitamin B Nightcap
For those who believe in science more than prayer.

This is one of those remedies you take before you go to hit the sack (a.k.a. pass out). Take again immediately upon arising.

For the geeks among you, be aware that B-Complex vitamins help in the carbohydrate (alcohol) metabolizing process and in dilating blood vessels. B-vitamins will also help restore your energy level.

Menudo
Pronouce it meh-NOO-doh or meh-NOO-thoh. Oh, who cares how you mispronounce it, as long as it works. And as any hard drinking Mexican will tell you, it works like el champo.

Menudo is a spicy soup made with tripe (cow stomach), calves feet, green chiles, hominey and Mexican seasonings. Yum!

If you want it fancy, garnish with lime wedges, bowls of chopped chiles and onion and serve it with hot tortillas.

However, our way is to stumble into a Mexican restaurant and before being seated say, "menudo, por favor."

Prayer
This remedy can be combined with any or all other remedies.

While this ancient remedy usually takes place during a post-imbibing event known as "worshippping at the porcelain altar," prayers said from bed or stretched out on the ground are just as effective.

The most desperate prayers are normally associated with promises of future acts of goodness. Do not fall into this trap as God has a very good memory, and while SHe might let you slide this time, future prayers will not be answered. Unfortunately, we know this from experience.

If you decide to try our sex remedy, please be aware that shouting "Oh, God!" during the experience does not count as a prayer.

GalMauro Crime Family